I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
