Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
