Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
