I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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