i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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