Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
