my phone needs a breathalizer
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
How external is "for external use only"?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
