If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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