sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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