Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
