I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
