Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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