you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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