so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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