I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
