I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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