Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
