I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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