He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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