You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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