I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
