I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
