u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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