I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My ass is underappreciated
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
