was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
