She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
