i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
