I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
