how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
