is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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