Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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