Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
