Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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