Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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