woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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