The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
