Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize