highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
