dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
