I should be sponsored by Trojan
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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