I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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