omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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