I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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