So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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