great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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