mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
