my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
