Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
