Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
