If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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