plz talk dirty to me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
