I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
