I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
