my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
