why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Is that strawberry winking at me??
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
