So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
